Must have been horrible when everyone realised it wasn't a joke. Imagine how bad you'd feel...

I think he was one of the most naturally funny people in the world. Just walking on stage and smiling was enough to have the audience in stitches!

A Chav-ette goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the assessor.
"10," replies the Chav-ette.
"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne."
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Nah," says the Chav-ette. "Its great, because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout, 'WAYNE, YA DINNER'S READY' or 'WAYNE, GO TO BED NOW' and they all do it."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the Chav-ette, "I just use their surnames."

hohohohohohohoho!

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day bloke! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

The Kiwi gets a look of extreme shock on his face.

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at the Kiwi.

Dog: "Yep."

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

The Kiwis expression of disbelief doesn't change.

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

The Kiwi gets even more shocked.

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?"

Horse: "Yep."

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Now the Kiwi has a look of total amazement on his face.

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

To which the Kiwi replied, "The sheep's a liar."

What dribbles a lot and is used to make things on Blue Peter?

Sticky backed spastic.

Jolly good show old chap.

Chris Benoit missed the last W W E pay per view event.
He decided to stay at home and hang around his family.

a muslim man was arrested today after trying to drive a car into sheffield, he said it was ramadam...

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "You sure this is where he fell in?"

Hahaha, jokes.

How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles?
Nail it's other hand to the floor

What makes babies better than any other age group?
You get deep throat either way

What face does a baby pull when you put it in a blender?
I don't know i was too busy masturbating

Some (!) jokes for you. I've copied and pasted this from an old Word Document (it was 193 pages long) so the format is crap in places and some of the jokes are at least three years old, but hopefully you'll find something to make you smile.

How do you get a gay man to shag your girlfriend?
Shit in her cunt.




Tomorrow was Katie's birthday and she was excited
"Guess how old I'm going to be tomorrow!" she yelled to her dad.
"Don't know" he replied, playing along.
"I'll be six!" she replied.
She went into the kitchen and asked her grandad, "guess how old I'll be tomorrow!"
"To answer this I need you to pull down your knickers." he says.
So Katie does this. Her grandad inserts two fingers into her cunt, moves them around, pulls them out, sniffs, then licks them.
"You'll be six tomorrow" Grandad says.
"How did you know that?" replies Katie.
"Because I heard you saying it to your dad" was the reply.





What's black and has 27 tits??
The rubbish bag outside the cancer clinic.




What's the difference between Paula Radcliffe and Hitler ?
Hitler tried to finish the race





A vicar is on a train and this pregnant woman gets on and sits down opposite him.
As they travel the vicar is reading his newspaper and the woman takes out her knitting.
As she is knitting, about every 20 minutes she reaches into her bag and pulls out a bottle of pills from which she takes one and swallows it.
This goes on for about an hour when the vicar sees the label "Thalidomide" on the bottle.
"Excuse me", says the vicar to the woman, "Do you know the effect that could have on your unborn child?"
"Yes" says the woman "I never could knit sleeves."





"Do you know what? I could have sex with any woman in this pub".
"Oh yeah? How's that then?"
"I'm a rapist".





SMS Inbox - Thur 9th Sept 2004 19:21
S% Q{!T
/|Kd 4KKS? *&Re kj (owq safoq%5 #zs g'faga
J/sasa£ (dsffsS OKASS LQ @#E IAHlkj ~^£}

Sender: David Blunkett +442075554321




what do you call an elephant with a spade?
dawn french





What's blue and fucks grannies?
Me in my lucky blue coat.





Little Johnny misses a day at school.
He comes back the next day and the teacher asks why he was off.
"Sorry Miss," he replied, "Daddy got burned"
"Oh dear" says the teacher, "I do hope it wasn't serious"
"Well Miss, they don't fuck about at the crematorium"





A guy steps into an elevator and notices a nice looking girl is in it.
He leans over and says, "Can I smell your cunt?"
"Of course not!" she screams back at him.
"Oh - then it must be your feet" he replies.





Young lady goes to Doctor with abdominal twinges. He runs the usual gamut of tests, and sit her down.
"Well Miss Green," he says, "I hope you are looking forward to many long sleepless nights, filled with crying and changing dirty nappies."
"Why?" she replies, "Am I pregnant?"
"No - You have bowel cancer"





What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Christopher Walken!





What's black and loud?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron





A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?", Asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulan Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"
A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth.
"What happened?", he asked.
"Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulan Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and the beat the crap out of me!"
"Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?"
"Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?"
"Oh!" replied the grandad. "The SS."





Three guys are wandering in the desert. They're tired, thirsty, and on the verge of keeling over.
Suddenly they see a house. No, it's not a mirage... it's REAL! A REAL HOUSE! IN THE DESERT! WOW!
The first guy knocks on the door, and is horrified to see the oldest, most decrepit woman on the planet. He tenatively asks for some water.
"Sure, if you'll do me."
He vomits and runs away, trying to throttle his brain to keep away the mental images. He tells his companions about it in sickening detail.
"She can't be THAT bad," goes the second guy. He drags himself up to the door and asks for some water.
She gives him a laviscious smile and says that she will give him a hundred gallons, but only if he'd lay her.
He faints dead away and is dragged off by one of his mates.
"Well, sure, I'll take you up on that offer," the third man says, preparing for the worst. She nods and leads him inside.
"Here," she says as they enter the kitchen. "On the table."
She lies down and lifts her skirt, revealing the most maggot-infested minge the man had ever seen. It was wrinkled, bloated, and pimply, with strange, greenish-brown goo flowing from it. She closes her eyes and smiles as he leans over her.
He has no options. He's got to fuck her, otherwise he and the others will die in the worst way possible.
He turns away as he begins to take it out, when suddenly he sees two ears of corn on the counter. He grabs one and fucks her with it, then throws it out the window before she can open her eyes.
"My god," the woman says. "That was the best fuck EVER. Do it again."
"Close your eyes," he whispers. She complies, and he does the deed with the second ear of corn, which goes out the window as soon as possible.
She's writhing with multipule orgasms. Going NUTS. Finally, she gasps:
"There's a Jeep in the backyard, with lots of water bottles in the back, as well as a map in the glove compartment. Thank you so very much."
He goes out the back door, only to find his two friends.
"I got the water."
"Hey, cool. But we just had the best buttered corn EVER."





2 women walking home pissed from the boozer dying for a piss. Whilst walking through the graveyard they decide to answer the call of nature. Alas, our intrepid ladies have no toilet paper. One of the ladies uses her knickers to wipe herself with and throws them away. The other, trying to be move resourceful, finds a ribbon from a nearby wreath that had been left on a freshly made grave and uses that.
The next day, the husbands are talking. One says to the other "We better keep an eye on our 2 birds, mine came home last night with no knickers on" The other husband replies "you think that's bad? Mine came home with a card hanging out of her arsethat said "From all the lads at the station,we'll never forget you...."





Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
.........the wheelchair!





A bloke rings in sick to his workplace
His boss asks "How sick are you", To which he replies " well i`m in bed with my sister right now".





Bob and his wife are expecting a baby. It's been 9 months and the baby is due at any time. One day, Bob gets a call at work, and a voice on the line says, "come down right away, your wife is going into labor!"
After half an hour of traffic and frantic driving, Bob finally makes it to the hospital. He runs inside, and searches high and low for his wife, with no success. Finally he stumbles upon the nursery, and he sees a young nurse. She's holding a bundle of cloth, and from it a tiny little head pokes out. "Sir," says the nurse, "this is your baby." Bob is astonished, and a wave of joy rushes over him.
The nurse drops the baby on the floor.
Bob goes apeshit. "WHAT THE FUCK are you DOING!" he shouts.
Then the nurse starts to kick the baby around on the floor like a soccer ball. After she's done with that, she picks the baby up and throws it against the wall. "Stop it! STOP! You're killing my baby!" says Bob. The nurse turns and smiles.
"April Fools! It was dead when you got here."





Woman is in hospital giving birth the baby comes out and the doc says, "I've got good news and bad news for you"
woman says, "give me the bad news first"
doc says, "your baby is stillborn"
woman, "oh my god, what on earth is the good news?!"
doc says, "it was ginger"





One day, little Timmy is walking home from school on Friday afternoon when he sees a poster which says "Circus in town on Saturday - 20p admission". Timmy rushes home, opens his piggy bank and finds that he has exactly 20p. He sleeps with the coin held tight in his hand all night, and wakes up the next morning, ready to go to the circus.
He gets to the circus and waits in the queue. When he gets to the front, he hands over his 20p and gets in. First, he goes to see the trapeze artists, twirling gracefully through the air. Then he sees the lion tamer, holding back the lion with a whip and an upturned chair. Then, finally, he gets to the big top. 2 clowns come onto the stage in a tiny car. They do the wallpaper sketch, and throw water over each other, then they say "we need someone from the audience to tell a joke". Timmy's hand shoots up in the air, and he screams "ME ME ME!!!". The clowns pick him out of the audience.
The first clown says "what's your name little boy?". Timmy replies "my name's Timmy". The clown says "ok Timmy, we're going to make a horse, what part of the horse do you think you'll be?"
"Will I be the head?"
"No"
"Will I be the tail?"
"No"
"Will I be the fetlocks?"
"No.... you'll be the arse!"
The whole crowd erupts with laughter, and Timmy rushes out of the circus in tears. He decides then that he will get those clowns back for what they did.
During the year, Timmy gets a job to save up some money. Then he sets aside 20p for the circus, and uses the rest of the money he earns to take night classes to teach him the art of witty come-backs. The next year rolls around, and Timmy once again sees the circus poster. He gets the 20p he had saved for the circus, and holds it tight in his hand all night, ready to go to the circus the next morning.
The morning finally arrives, and he gets to the circus and waits in the queue. When he gets to the front, he hands over his 20p and gets in. First, he goes to see the trapeze artists, twirling gracefully through the air. Then he sees the lion tamer, holding back the lion with a whip and an upturned chair. Then, finally, he gets to the big top. 2 clowns come onto the stage in a tiny car. They do the wallpaper sketch, and throw water over each other, then they say "we need someone from the audience to tell a joke". Timmy knows that the clowns won't recognise him, since they've been travelling around the country all year, so he puts his hand up. Once again, the clowns pick him out of the audience.
The first clown says "what's your name little boy?". Timmy replies "my name's Timmy", this time with much less boyish enthusiasm, as if he's going through the motions. The clown says "ok Timmy, we're going to make a horse, what part of the horse do you think you'll be?"
"Will I be the head?"
"No"
"Will I be the tail?"
"No"
"Will I be the fetlocks?"
"No.... you'll be the arse!"
The whole crowd erupts with laughter.
At that point, Timmy stands square up to the clowns. He looks them in the eye, and with a steely determination, replies...
FUCK OFF YOU RED-NOSED CUNTS





Jill Dando's husband wanted to paint their front door green, but she was dead against it.





There was an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman sat in a bar. The Englishman goes to the bar and orders the drinks and as he's stood there he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns round and there's Mike Tyson who starts "I'm Mike Tyson, former World Heavyweight Boxing champion of the world, Baddest man on the planet, multi millionaire, and I fuck white women." THe Englishman replies, "Yeah, fair enough mate", takes his drinks and goes and sits back down. Half an hour later the Scotsman goes to the bar, and as he's stood there he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns round and there's Mike Tyson who starts "I'm Mike Tyson, former World Heavyweight Boxing champion of the world, Baddest man on the planet, multi millionaire, and I fuck white women." THe Scotsman replies, "Good on you mate, whatever takes your fancy." He takes the drinks and goes and sits back down. Another half an hour passes and the Irishman goes to the bar, and the Englishman and Scotsman watch as Mike Tyson goes up to him, they see them speak, and then the next thing they know, Mike Tyson punches the Irishman, who flies across the room and lands in a heap on the floor. A couple of minutes later the Irishman has picked himself up and makes it back to the table with drinks and the other ask him what happened? "Well, I was stood at the bar when i felt a tap on my shoulder, so I turned round and there's this bloke there, and he starts saying I'm Mike Tyson, former World Heavyweight Boxing champion of the world, Baddest man on the planet, multi millionaire, and I fuck white women." The other two say, "Yeah he said the same to us, but why did he punch you?" "Well, I said, I'm not surprised mate, if I had all that money, I wouldn't fuck niggers either!"





What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS.





How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him in the face with an axe......





Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.




what's worse than 10 babies stapled to a tree?
One baby stapled to 10 trees.





what's blue and fucks grannys?
hypothermia





What's blue and sits quietly in the corner?
Baby in a baggie.





paedophile and a small child
walking thru the woods. its very stormy, lightning spearing the sky, crashing thunder. the child looks up at the paedo and says "im scared". the paedo says "eh its alright for you, ive got to walk back on my own!"





What's pink and red and goes around at 300 miles per hour?
A baby in a blender.





What's green and red and goes around at 300 miles per hour?
A frog in a blender.





what do you say to a woman
with a black eye?
"Now I told you once"





why did God..
give black men huge dicks?
He was sorry about what he did to their hair





What could be sicker than a truckload of dead babies?
One live one in the middle eating his way out.





whats grey and smells of curry?
John Majors dick....





In the hills of Tennessee a girl ask her father "Kin I use the car daddy?"
He replies "Sorry hunny, your brother needs it."
"But Daddeeeee"
"Well, alright, I'll tell him he'll have to wait. But you have to suck my dick first."
"Oh, okay"
So she goes down only to pull back spitting and sputtering.
"Daddy, it taste like poop!"
Father replies: "I told you your brother needed the car too."





What do whiskey and Michael Jackson have in common.
They both come in small tots.





Why did Hitler commit suicide?
He got the gas bill.





Whats green, hard and full of semen?
answer - insert any young child who has recently been abducted - holly wells?





What the definition of a twix?
Two niggers in a sleeping bag





what did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
she choked





Man in cinema.
Crisps fall from above.
Man eats crisps.
Lights come up.
Leper in balcony rubbing hands.





How do you get a Nun pregnant?
Rape the bitch.






What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume.





Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One turns to the other and says,
Something taste funny?





what do you do if your epileptic grandmother is having a seizure in the bathtub?
throw in some soap and dirty laundry.





How many jews can fit into a VW?
100.. 2 in the front, 2 in the back and 96 in the ashtray.





How do you stop a black kid from bouncing on the bed?
Put velcro on the ceiling.






What's the best thing about screwing a 7 yr old girl in the shower?
When her hair gets wet, she only looks 5.





did you hear about the british men who won gold in the kayakking at the olympics? It was won by two men in a transit van from bocastle.





This guy is walking alone near the pier when he spots a girl, with no arms and no legs, sitting in her wheelchair crying.
Curious, he walks up to her. "What's the matter?" he says. The girl looks up at him and says "I'm almost 25 and I've never been on a date." Feeling sorry for her, he decides to ask her out. SHe says yes and they go out and have a pretty good time.
The next week he is walking alone near the pier again and he sees the woman, again crying near the edge of the pier. "What's wrong now?" he says to her. "I'm almost 25 and I've never been kissed." she replies back. He thinks "well, she's not too bad looking... I'll give her a kiss." So he does so and this makes her happy.
The NEXT week our philanthropist is again walking out near the pier when he sees the woman AGAIN crying in her wheelchair.. near the edge of the pier. With a heavy heart, he walks up to her. "What's wroung NOW?" Through her tears she says "Well, I'm almost 25 and I've never been fucked." So the man grabs her wheelchair by the handles and pushes her off the edge of the pier and says "NOW you're fucked!"





two terrorist women in long arabic dress, one turns to the other "does my bomb look big in this?"





What do you get when you break a baby's jaw?
Deepthroat.





What was Princess Diana's favourite brand of shampoo
"Head & Shoulders" they know because they found hers on the dashboard.





How do you make a five-year-old cry twice?
Use her teddy bear to wipe the blood off your penis.





Whats red slimy and crawls up a womans thigh
a homesick abortion






What is so great about shagging twenty five year olds? There's twenty of them.





What do you get if you put a knife in a baby?
An erection.





Whats the best thing about shagging a 6 year old?
Hearing its pelvis crack





Whats the worst thing about shagging a 6 year old?
Having to kill it afterwards






What's blue and orange and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool?
A baby with burst arm bands.





Little kid standing on the edge of a cliff crying
a guy walks up to him and asks him why he's crying.
The kid says "My parents and my sister were in that car that just went off the cliff and I got thrown free before it went over"
to which the guy replied 'Shit... its just not your lucky day si it?' whilst unzipping his fly





What is 12 inches long, blue and makes women scream all night?
Cot Death





What's the difference between a ferrari and ten dead babies?
I don't have a ferrari in my garage.





mark curry on blue peter gets pulled up before the controller for masturbating on a disabled african woman live on air.
"but i thought i was to use a sticky black spastic" he whines...





What's a Police Officer's favorite hand in poker?
Four clubs beat a spade.





Two paedophile families on the beach
one father goes to the other 'Hey you, get outta my son'





What's the difference between a truckful of babies and a truckful of marbles?
You can't unload a truckful of marbles with a pitchfork.





How do you get a granny to shout "Cunt!"?
Get another one to shout "Bingo".





what have nagasaki, hiroshima and baghdad got in common?
nothing.
yet





What's the fastest animal alive?
An Ethiopian chicken.





What do you call a lesbian with large fingers?
Well hung.





What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
He wiped his arse.





Q: What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?
A: A rape victim





Why have babies got holes in the top of their heads?
So you can pick five up at once.





It's boxing day, and little jimmy and johnny are comparing their christmas presents.
Jimmy: "so what did you get?"
Johnny: "I got a football, and a rugby ball, and a tennis set, and some dvds, and a Playstation 2, and loads of games, and a game boy, and some books, and a remote control car, and a remote control plane, and a little motorbike, that really goes! And I got LOADS of sweets and chocolate, and i got to go to lapland to meet Santa!"
Jimmy:"wow!"
Johnny:"yeah, I know!, so what did you get?"
Jimmy: "I got a football and a selection box"
Johnny:"That's a bit crap, isnt it?"
Jimmy: "Yeah I suppose, but then I'm not the one who's got terminal luekaemia."





Harold Shipman hung himself in prison because he didn't get a nan with his curry





What's worse than Harold Shipman treating your granny?
Ian Huntley giving your daughters a bath.





What do retards take for head colds?
A Joey Deacongestant





What's John Denver's favourite song?
I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane





What's the best thing about screwing a 7 yr old boy?
Watching him break down on the witness stand.





What's blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epiletic.





Whats brown, hairy and slides down a tree?
a monkey's misscarrage





What's red and knocks on the door?
A baby in a microwave.





A group of down-syndrome children are given a test by their teacher
"Now class whomever can clap their hands together wins this Cornetto."
The class all attempt to clap their hands to no avail and lots of arm waving this way and that. Until from the back of the class comes the sound "Clap... mmmmmghghhhhgg!"
"Ahah, Jonhny well done here is your cornetto."
to which Johnny promptly stick it in his eye.





Little girl walks in on daddy in the shower...
"what's that between your legs daddy?"
Dad says: "that's my penis"
"Oh! When will I get one of those between my legs?"
"Just wait half an hour until your mum goes to bingo."





What's red and crawls along the chipshop floor?
An abortion of chips





Hear about the back street abortionist whose business folded?
his ferret died





What do Micheal Jackson and Gary Glitter have after dinner?
Under Eights





Whats the first thing a beaten wife should do after coming back from hospital after the last "incident"?
The dishes if she know's whats good for her.





What's Bin Laden's favourite receipe?
Big Apple Crumble





For sale.Fred and rose west's house
3 up 15 down.





Businessman is on Holiday in japan and aftera couple of nights gets a bit 'restless' so goes cruising in the red light area, and comes across a stunning young girl who entices his curiosity by waving and shouting to him "I whistle while I suck you". Thinking this to be a bit of a neat trick, he decides to take her up on the offer and hands his cash over, and she leads him into a room, unzips him, pulls down his trousers and then switches the light off. "Hey", he says "Why the light off"? and she replies "I only whislte in the dark while I suck a guy" so he goes along with it. Well, the next 5 mintues are the best of his life, warm, wet and squirmy, then all of a sudden he hears whistling from 'down below' and thinks "Fuck, this girl CAN whistle". Anyway, before long he finishes, and with the light still off she takes herself away, and as the light gradually comes up in the room, all he sees is a glass full of water with a false eye in.......... (think about it)





What's red and silver and slowly gets smaller?
Baby playing with a cheese grater





There's still a Hotdog seller running around Ground Zero trying to find out who ordered the "Jumbo"





Man gets out of prison...
First thing he does is go straight to the nearest brothel. Once inside finds the cost of a shag has gone up since he was there last, and so asks for the cheapest lady of the night who's working. He's directed to the room of "Good Time Lil" an 85 year old pro. Thinking "every holes a goal" he decides to go for it. After sucking on her tit for a moment he say "wow, you've still got milk?"... "No" she replies "I've got breast cancer".






What's brown, soft and found in babies nappies?
Michael Jacksons hand





Michael Jackson and Gary Glitter were standing outside a playground
a gang of twelver year olds walk past
Gary turns to Michael and says "I remember them when they were lookers"





How do you know it's bedtime in Neverland?
When the big hand touches the little hand.





A man walks into a brothel
He goes to the madam "I want to see your finest girls".
"Take a seat sir while I arrange this" the madam says.
So the man sits down and besides him he sees a container.
"Think I'll help myself to a red apple while I wait" he says.
The girls walk in, scream and run out.
The man, annoyed at this goes and sees the madam.
"What's the problem here? All I was doing was eating a red apple" he says.
"You fool, that's not an apple, that's from the abortion bucket!" was her stern reply.





An old lady is walking down the street on a fine summer's day.
Birds are singing, there's flowers galore so she couldn't be happier. As the lady turns a corner, she spots a very little girl aged about six and says 'My, you're a pretty little thing! What's your name then?'
'Butterfly' replies the girl.
'Oh that's so sweet.' the old lady cries 'Why are you called that?'
'When I was in my mummy's tummy, a butterfly landed on it, and so I'm called Butterfly.'
The old lady walks on, happy and soon meets an even prettier little girl.
'Gosh! You are a pretty little lady! What's your name then?'
The little girl looks up and, with the slightest of lisps, angelicaly replies 'Oh, my name is Nightingale!'
The old lady is almost overcome and says 'Oh my! That's simply lovely! How did you come to be called that?'
'Well, when I was in my mummy's tummy, a nightingale landed on her and started to sing. So I'm called Nightingale.'
Our old friend nearly flies to the moon, she's so happy with this. Anyway, she walks on and, rounding a corner meets an ugly, deformed little girl and stops dead. Looking the child up and down she decides to try and be nice and says 'Hello little girl, what's your name then?'
The little girl looks up and replies 'Breezeblock......





What the difference between Jesus and an
oil painting?
You only need one nail to hang a Painting.





What's got four legs and flies?
Holly and Jessica.





When Gary Glitters dies, what will be his new job?
Baby-minder for Anne Diamond's baby.





whats the difference between meat and fish?
if you beat your fish it will die





What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?
Single.





What do David Beckham and Ayrton Senna have in common?
Neither of em can take a corner.




breaking News...police have dug up more graves at the former home of harold Shipman. The bodies are believed to be of Afghan, iraqui and East European descent. A police spokesman believes that Mr Shipman may have been doing foreigners at the weekend....




The governer at Wakefield prison says that harold Shipman would be morely missed from the prison boxing team. The governer said "He had a fuckin' lethal jab....."




How do you circumcise a Redneck?
Punch his sister in the jaw




Little girl saw 2 dogs shagging, the little girl says"What are those 2 dogs doing, mummy?" Mummy, rushing for a politically correct answer says "erm..they're baking cakes".."I Know", little girl says " You and daddy were baking cakes last night because I licked the icing off the sofa....




The Police have raided Michael Jackson's house. They found class A drugs in the lounge, class b drugs in the kitchenand Class 5c in his bedroom!




Newflash - michael Jackson attempts suicide by jumping into the sea. Coastguards find him bobbing up and down on a small buoy...




its a bit harsh Michael Jackson facing 10 years for having sex with kids...then again Christopher Reeve did get the electric chair for riding a horse...




This guy walks into a brothel, and being a bit strapped for cashe, and damn horny, he walks up to the woman in charge and demands the cheapest whore in the place.
The woman, obviously feeling sorry for his shabby clothes, says "I'm really sorry but there's only really one girl I can give you but she has a slight medical issue.".
"Oh?" says the man, "Whats that?"
"Well!" says the woman, "She has a slight problem, in that she can't get lubricated down there".
The man, obviously desparate, says "I'll take her" and heads upstairs, into the prozzie's chamber.
He's shagging her for about a minute or so and he has to stop as it's tearing the skin right off his knob.
"Listen dear! Is there anything you can do? Maybe a little KY, a little vaseline, a little margerine even"
The woman pops off into the bathroom and comes back 10 minutes later.
They start again and this time it's the warmest, wettest, sweetest sex he's ever had
Lying on the bed afterwards he asked what she used.
"Nothing" said the woman, "I just picked the scabs and let the puss run"




a Dyslexic man walks into a bra




what does it mean when you screw a girl so much that cum falls out of both ears?
the floors level




whats the best thing about having sex with a six year old girl?
when you're done, you can turn her round and pretend shes a six year old boy!




Two tramps, Bert and Frank, were talking about life in general,
when Bert asked Frank, "What's the best sex you've ever had?" Frank, with a sad look on his face, told Bert that he'd only had sex once, and then he went and accidentally stuck a pin in her and *POP!* that was the end of that.
Bert replied to this by telling Frank about the one time that he had been foraging for food by the railway line, when he saw this beautiful naked woman, just lying there, tied to the track. He quickly untied her, dragged her out of the path of an oncoming train and right there, right then, shagged the hell out of her.
"Wow," said Bert, "she was pretty fucking lucky. What did she say to you afterwards?"
"Dunno," said Frank, "I never found her head."




What is the smallest pub in England?
The Thalidomide Arms.




"darling, I've dropped the baby in the bath"
"well take him out then"
"I can't, the water's too hot"




What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her when she was a kid?
Rearrange the furniture




Why can't helen keller drive?
cos shes a woman




What is hairy and has 5 finger?
A phalidamides armpit.




Whats 3 feet high and sits at the end of kids beds?
Gary Glitters boots.




What's the best thing about the Russian school seige
In three years, all the survivors will be prostitutes.




What's black and blue and doesn't like blowjobs?
The five-year-old in the back of my van.




Whats silver, sits at the end of your bed and takes the piss out of you?
A kidney dialysis machine.




Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
So you can finish cumming in it's mouth.

Q: What do you do when you see 100 dead arabs?
A: Laugh and reload!




Q: Why are there no arabs in Star Trek?
A: Because it's set in the future!





Q: What do you call a [person from Pakistan] with no arms or legs?
A: Trustworthy!




What's red, white, sits in the corner and screams?
A skinned baby rolled in salt!




Where did the deaf, blind, retarded kid go on
his christmas vacation?
Heaven.



What goes *plink plink fizz*?
two babies in an acid bath




what type of file turns a tiny hole into a huge hole in a matter of seconds?
a paedo-file!




What do they call abortions in the Czech Republic?
A cancelled Czech.




Leggy Dawn from Accounts storms into the HR office , crying and obviously upset. The HR woman asks her to calm down and explain the problem.
It's Dave, you know Dave from the mail room?
Errrm, no, I don't know Dave, I only came here last week. What's the problem with Dave?
Well, we were in the lift together and he said My, your hair smells lovely.
The HR person is puzzled.....erm..... so what's the problem?
The woman replies 'He's a fucking dwarf!




Q: How do you start a stampede in Mexico?
A: Roll a nickel down the street.




Q: How do you find the richest man in Mexico?
A: Find the guy who caught the nickel.




A man takes his grandson on a tour of his hometown. First they come to a cottage. The grandfather explains that he helped build that cottage with his own two hands. "But they don't call you a cottage builder in this town for that," the grandfather says.
Next, they come to a bridge, and the grandfather tells his grandson that he spent his entire junior year in high school helping to build that bridge. "But they don't call you a bridge builder in this town for that," the grandfather says.
A few minutes later, evidently in nostalgic thought, the grandfather almost thinks outloud, "But if you fuck a goat just one time..."




Q. What's the difference between Scouse kids and Russian kids?
A. Scouse kids get slaughtered before they go to school.




why do you wrap hamsters in carpet tape?
so they won't split when you fuck them.




What has got four legs and one arm ?
A pitbull at the playground.




What do you get when a leper takes a hot bath?
bony porridge




loke is having a slash in the bog at work, notices a green ring round the base of his donger. He's slightly concerned and confides in a mate, who reassures him.
Don't worry mate, I had the same thing last week. Went for a piss, red ring round the base of my cock. I went to see my GP and he gave me some medical cream, 1 day later it's all gone and I'm fine.
The bloke asks to see the same doctor, and proceeds to show hime hte problem. the doctor says, I'm sorry- a green ring round the base of the cock is very bad, we shall have to amputate your manhood.
Bloke is distraught- 'But my friend came in here last week with a red ring round his cock last week and you gave him some cream and he was OK, why do I have to have my knob chopped off?
Doctor replies 'Ah yes, I remember. the problem is, in his case the red ring was lipstick, in your case it's gangrene.'




What do Ayrton Senna and Freddy Mercury have in common?
They both died with blood on their helmets




Bert and Mable are in the old peoples home. Bert says "I'm leaving you for Ivy cos she holds my willy all night. "
Mable replies "So do I!!!"
Bert replies "I know....but Ivy's got Parkinsons......"




If a woman is uncomfortable watching her partner wank , would you think A)you need more time together b) she's a fucking prude? or c) she should have sat somewhere else in the nursery.....




A 5-year old boy points to his dad's willy in the bathroom and asks him what it is; the dad is slightly embarrassed and explains that it's a Rolls Royce. When his mum comes in to shower he points at her nether region and asks what that is if it's not a rolls royce- thinking on her feet and with freudian simplicity she calls it a garage.
Late at night, a thunderstorm starts, so the boy legs it into his parents' bedroom and asks to sleep in the bed. After a while the dad is frustrated and says 'move over son, I want to park my rolls royce in mum's garage.
Son replies- OK, just let me back my Mini out first.




Last night a 2 seater helicopter crashed into a graveyard...
Police investigating the crime scene have so far found 269 corpses and think there are more on the way...




what were dodi al fayed's last words?
i wanted to fuck di under the bridge and not die under the fucking bridge




When you're working in a coalmine, how do you know where you left the spade?
When he opens his mouth.




What's blue and fucks old ladies?
The Tory party.




Why didn't Superman save the twin towers?
Because he's in a wheelchair.




what's the difference between a french girl and a bowling ball?
you can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball




What's got 300 legs and no pubic hair?
The front row at a westlife concert




what's the difference between a slut and a bitch?
a slut will sleep with anyone
a bitch will sleep with anyone but you




What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out of it.




what's the difference between erotic and kinky?
erotic is when you use a feather
kinky is when you use the whole chicken




Q: What goes up and down on Nelson's Column?
A: Winnie Mandela




what has 90 balls and screws old ladies?
bingo!




what should you do if a bird craps on your car?
never take her out again




Whats the difference between a dead baby and an apple?
I don't cum on an apple before taking a bite out of it.




The Cockle Pickers were not badly managed. it was all their own fault. They were all instructed to wait until the water level was up to knee high. But, Neehi was sat back in the van.



how do you get a nun pregnant?
dress her up as an alter boy!




Q: Why can't you have sex with pensioners?
A: Have you ever tried taking apart a cheese & ham toastie?




Q: Why do women have legs?
A: Have you seen the mess a slug makes?




What's the difference between a wife and a wank?
You can't beat a wank.




why did 2 planes go into the World Trade Center?
Someone left the landing light on




a black baby dies and goes to heaven
god gives it wings
"am I an angel?", asks the baby
"no, you're a bat. now fuck off"




Lester Piggot says "Gary, i'm such a huge fan of your music. Will you teach me how to sing?".
Gary Glitter replies "Of course, but only if you teach me how to ride 4 year olds!"




Two sharks are in Morecambe
One says to the other "I really fancy a Chinese".




3 queers are in a jacuzzi and a blob of spunk floats to the surface.
"OK, who farted?" one of them asks.




What do you call one black person on the moon?
A problem.

What do you call 10 black people on the moon?
A bigger problem.

What do you call all black people on the moon?
Problem solved.




A spacker walks into a bar, what does he say?
Nnnnnnnnnnrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhh!




How do you get a baby into a jar?
Blender.




How do you get a baby out of a jar?
Doritoes.




Ian Brady says to the prison guard.....
..."I'm pissed off, I haven't had a holiday in years!!!!"
To which the guard says :
"Come off it Brady, a few years ago we took you up to Saddleworth Moor, you had 3 days up there, all those wide open spaces and fresh clean air!".
To which Brady replies :
"Fair enough, but what kind of holiday was that with the kids under me feet!"




How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
One, but you have to throw it really hard



What's the worst place to spend Easter Weekend?
Nailed to the cross.




Why does Jesus hate M&M's?
They keep falling through his hands.




What do 1000 abused women have in common?
They just don't fucking listen!




What do sperm and asylum seekers have in common?
They arrive in their thousands, but only one of them ever works




So a guy goes to the pharmacy,
And he says 'I need some condoms for my 11 year old daughter'.
The pharmacist is shocked: 'Your daughter is sexually active at age 11??'
and the guy says 'nah, she just lies there like her mother'




Harold Shipman was writing a cover version of the old Beatles tune "Ticket to Ride" before his untimely death....retitled " He kills grannies in Hyde...He kills grannies in Hy-hy-Hyde..he kills Grannies in Hyde and we don't care"....




A biotechnologist created a transgenic apple.
He was amazed at the results of his research, he decided to anounce it to the whole world.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I came here to present you a wonder of biological sciences. This is a transgenic apple. It looks like an ordinary apple, but it is not. This is an apple that tastes of cunt."
The congressists and reporters were puzzled. The scientist asked one of them to come to the stage and bite his apple. The reporter bit it, and said:
"Holy fuck, it tastes like shit!"
To what the scientist replied:
"Turn it around, buddy."




What's pink and smells of ginger?
.....Fred Astaire's fingers




NEWSFLASH!!!!
In the south of America an old english sheep dog has been found tied to a burning cross.
sources say the Dulux clan have claimed responsibility




Three men sitting in a pub having a drink and a chat, before long the conversation turns to masturbation. One chap pipes up and says 'We all like a good tug everynow and then, but when your fwapping away what do you do with your spare hand? , I'm usually holding a porno mag and frantically turn the pages past all the interviews etc.'
The second chap replies ' I'm usually holding the video remote, you known, pausing/rewinding a good porn movie.'
The third chap says ' I'm usually holding a wet
sponge.
' A WET SPONGE ??' the other two chaps reply.
to which hes says, 'Yeah, Im usually bathing the kids at the time.'




chav girl in a car crash
when the ambulance arrives, the doctor says to her "how many fingers am I holding up?"
Chav girl replies "Fuck! I'm paralysed from the waist down!"




What was the last thing to gothrough the heads of the office workers on the 84th floor of the world trade centre?
Th 85th floor.




2 paedos on a park bench
A ten year old girl walks past. One paedo says "I bet she was nice when she was younger."




Guy goes to shoe shop, walks upto the manager and says "I dont care how much they are, I'm after your best shoes possible." The female sales assistant goes "Right this way.." and leads him over to a new collection in the corner of the store.
She asks his size, then passes him a shoe. "This is a new range, of sparkling white human leather shows, all totally legit and imported from Africa. Please, try them on." He's sceptical, but tries them on.
"Blimey, these are the most comfy shoes I have ever worn. How much?"
"£2000 sir for those ones."
"Christ, I can't afford that sorry, these shoes are amazing, but no."
"That's ok sir, we got them in black for a fiver."




What do you get if you cross a black-man with an octopus? Nothing much, but by fuck it can't half pick cotton.




What's the diff between a black-man and a bike? A bike doesn't sing "Old Man River" when you put the chain on it.


Three prostitutes were sitting at the bar. The first one said "I can get THREE whole fingers in me!" The second one said "I can get a whole FIST in me!" The third one simply laughed as she slid down the barstool! =S




Two women decided on a sucicide pact, and jumped of a building. Number one landed on the road and it took two days to clean the mess. Number two landed on the lamppost, and it took to weeks to get the smile off her face!




A woman died and went to heavan, where she was given a set of wings. "And my halo?" she demanded of St Peter. "Sorry luv, but you don't get one of those until you've been here 10 years!" The woman scanned the angels ahead of her, and suddenly she noticed something. Pointing she said "So how come Princess Dianna has one then?" and St Pete whisperd "Thats the steering wheel!"




How do you know when the vegitables are boiled?
The wheelchairs float to the top.




Gary Glitter goes upto Michael Jackson and asks "Can you change a ten for 2 fives?"




Why go German Shower caps have eleven holes in the head?
Cos Jews only got ten fingers.




whats the difference between lust, love and showing off?
spitting, swallowing and gargaling




Two paedos are discussing their girlfriends.
The first one says "My girlfriend's seven years old. What about yours?"
The second one says "Well, my girlfriend's ten... but she fucks like a five year old."




What's green and smells of bacon?
Kermit's finger.




why does mike tyson cry after sex?
cause hes got mace in his eyes


Q:How is anal sex like a microwave?
A: Both can brown your meat without cooking it.




Q: In Greece, how do you seperate the men from the boys?
A: With a crowbar.




Q: How can you tell when an Arab boy has become an Arab man?
A: When he takes the diaper off of his ass and wraps it around his head



Little Girl: "What's 'depraved' mean, daddy?"
Father: "Shut up and keep sucking!"




How do you know when your sister's having her period?
Your dad's cock tastes funny.




Air crash in the desert.
So this airplane crashed in the middle of the arabian desert. Miraculously, all the 88 passengers survived. But now they faced themselves in the middle of an arid land without water nor food.
A couple of days later, one of them saw a camel, and they all ran towards it, believing the camel would at least guide them to an oasis or something. But all the 88 survivors hopped on the poor animal, and it could barely stay on its feet. The overloaded camel, after 3 steps, started to shake, about to fall on the ground.
So the woman on the camel´s neck said, hoplessly:
"This camel is fucked."
And then, someone from behind said out loud:
"But if I get my dick out of here I will fall down!"




What's better than winning Gold at the Paralympics?
Not being a cripple...




What key can get you in any house or car?
A Darkie!




Whats the difference between Paedo's and acne?
Acne doesnt come on your face untill your 14.




A guy's walking home on Xmas Eve......
....coming home from the pub. He's devastated, lost his job,his wife has ran off with the milkman and taken the kids with him. His already morose, drunk mood gets worse when he goes past all the houses, full of Xmas cheer.
Just as his thoughts turn to suicide, he spots Santa Claus emerging from a house.
"Ho, Ho Ho, Merry Xmas", says Santa.
"Sorry mate, nothing merry about my Xmas" says the bloke.
"Why's that my friend?" asks Santa.
As the guy starts to tell his sorry tale, Santa explains that at Xmas, he can make everyones dreams come true and life better. He tells the guy that he can make everything alright for him again, and have the happy Xmas he dreams of.
"But I need you to do something", says Santa
"Anything, anything!!!" says the bloke.
So Santa goes on "Okay then, I'm actually bi-sexual, and I don't get many chances to express my sexuality, so may I take you up the arse?"
The guy is obviously releuctant, but agrees.
So Santa gets to work, he bends the guy over the garden wall, and bots the living Jesus out of him.
Once Santa had shot his festive muck, he turns to the guy and says :
"One question before you leave. May I ask how old you are?"
"Sure" says the bloke "I'm 36"
Santa looks at him and says "36? And you still believe in Santa Claus?????", and runs away!




A man and 6 women are shipwrecked on an island. The man is told that he will have to be each of their wives and that he can have one day off. Boy, this is great! I can have sex for six days and then sleep for one. But eventually he is looking more and more forward to that day off. One day he doesn't feel tired so he goes for a walk on the beach and starts skipping stones when suddenly he hears a man yelling. He swims out and pulls his boat ashore. Suddenly, he realizes, I just lost my day off!




3 men get shipwrecked on an island full of cannibals. They are told to go find 10 of the same fruit and shove it up there ass if they want to escape with their lives. So, they and a cannibal each go out into the woods and come back with 10 fruits. I forgot to mention, if you wince or make a sound you'll be eaten alive on the spot.
The first man has ten small apples, and he gets up to a pretty good six, but then grunts and is eaten. The second man comes back with 10 small berries, about halve a strawberry each. He starts shoving them up and has 8, but then starts laughing uncontrollably. He's eaten and goes to heaven and meets the first guy. I was watching you, why'd you laugh? asked the first guy. Because I saw that dipshit come back with TEN WHOLE LARGE AND POINTY PINEAPPLES!!!!!



.
It was a long slow night, and two security guards at the local railway yard were talking about women they'd had.
The first guy tells the second "The other night a girl must have broken into the yard - she was down on the tracks amongst the railway carts. I went out and picked her up, and we hit it off right away! She was hot for me and one thing led to another.. We made love several times that night."
The second guy asks the first: "Well, was she pretty?"
To which the first replies "Don't know, I never found the head."




The hunchback man
Two guys were travelling together through the country. Some day they arrived in a small town, and decided to stay for a quick rest. They went to a bar, and saw a banner anouncing a big party for that night.
"Hey, let´s stay here for this night, and we depart tomorrow."
"I don´t know, dude."
"But didn´t you look around? Haven´t you noticed that the majority of the people in this town are women? And how most of them are hot? I bet they will all go to this party tonight."
"Ok then, let´s go."
At night, they were in the pub, where the party was taking place. All the women, most of them very atractive (and single) were there, dancing, alone. The two strangers were trying to aproach to every chick, unsuccessfully.
At this moment, a man walks in the pub. He was a midget, ugly, hideous, stinky man with a HUGE hunchback. To the strangers´ surprise, at that same moment, all the girls got excited and ran to see that man. The two looked at each other, saying "what the fuck?"
"How can that... animal atract all the girls, while we, a pair of handsome guys can´t even seem to get their attention?"
"I will find out. I will talk to that hunchback man."
After some minutes, the hunchback man went to the bathroom, and one of the strangers followed him. Inside, he said:
"Hey, you, hunchback man! I wanna ask you something."
To what he replied politely, but with a terribly stinky breath:
"Sure, go ahead."
"Listen, my friend and I are two handsome, rich, intelligent men. You are short, ugly, stinky, and got this huge hunchback. Still, all the women in this town seem to be way more interested on you than on us. How is that possible?"
"Look, I am gonna tell ya a secret."
The hunchback man unzipped his pants and let his dick out. The stranger seemed surprised.
"This is my secret. Every time i show them my dick, they totally fall in love with me. They get so crazy about my dick that they even forget how ugly I am."
"Wow... but that´s a trully beautiful cock! Not that I am gay or something, because I´m not, but... man, this is the prettiest dick I ever saw. If I was a woman, I would fall in love with it........ in fact, if I had a dick like this, I would just keep sucking myself all the time!"
The hunchback man smiled and said:
"How do you think I got this hunchback?"




What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with ...and the other you carry your groceries in




There's this guy, and he's having sex with his girlfriend for the first time and she shouts, "stop! please stop! it hurts!"
So he stops for a while, then when she's ready carries on.
A few minutes later she's in pain again, "stop!" she cries, "it really really hurts!"
So again he stops, and gets her to keep him hard with a couple of strokes while she braces herself again.
Off they go again, but he's barely got into his rythm when she screams, "Stop! it's too much! it's excrutiating!"
"Ooh," he says, "that's a long word for a five year old"




There's this 12 year old boy having a wank
and his dad comes into the room and catches him in the act. "Don't do that, son." He says. "Save it for your wedding day."
Fast forward many years, the boy is now about 30 and he's about to get married. He asks his dad, "Dad, remember all those years back when you caught me having a wank, and you told me to save it for my wedding day?"
"Yes," says dad, "so?"
"I've saved 2 milk churns worth. What now?"




A guy is in Japan for work, and after a long day, he goes to a club and gets a Japanese girl to come home with him. While they're fucking, she screams something in Japanese and he thinks she is saying "harder harder," so he fucks harder, and she screams it again. The next day he goes golfing and his Japanese friend shouts the same thing as the girl last night. He looks again at where he has hit the ball, and sees it is in the wrong hole.




There's a family of Pakis (or Mexicans if you live in California) driving down the freeway. They see a sign that says 70, so they pull over and ten of them get out the car.




Q: What do you call a double jointed thalidomide?
A: A Transformer.




Whats the best way to fuck a paraplegic?
Slash his tyres.




When they pulled Di's bodygaurd out of the car
they noticed some blood on his shirt, worried they asked him if he was alright. "Yeah, Nothing to worry about, it's just a bit of Dye (di).




Whats the definition of harsh?
Throwing a grenade under a wheelchairateer and shouting run.




What's the definition of brave?
Spitting through a letterbox, knocking the door and asking how far it went.





What's the definition of stupid?
Throwing a brick through a window and asking for it back.




What's the definition of a rave?
A mongol dancing to a car alarm. Mongol - I'll have none of that spastic or scope bollocks!




why does Michael Jackson put cheese on his cock?
cos kids'll do anything for the taste of dairylea!




Two nuns in a bath.
One says 'where's the soap?'
The other says 'it does, doesn't it?'




What were Rod Hull's last words?
"Emu, grab hold of that fucking gutter!"
Alternatively:
"Fly! You fucker, fly!"




An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman decide to open a pub. The Englishman says, "Lets call it The Queens Head", the Scotsman says, "No, no, no, it should be called The Queens Nose" and the Irishman says, "Well I think we should call it The Queens Legs". So after a while they decide on calling the pub The Queens Legs. On the first night of opening a big cue forms outside. Two policemen walking along stop to ask what's going on, to which one man replies "We're waiting for the Queens Legs to open so we can have a drink"




Sick Message Service
This text costs 10p. That could feed one starving person in Africa for one month. So send this text to ten people and let the niggers die.




A mother and son are showering, the son looks between his own legs, and then between his mothers legs.
"Mum, whats that between your legs?" Thinking on her feet, shes responds "Why, that's where god hit me with a golden axe!" "Fucking hell!" Replies her son "Smacked right in the cunt with a golden axe, that must've hurt."




NEWSFLASH - Earthquake in Pakistan, 5000 dead. USA sends food, France sends medicine and Britain sends replacements.




The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven. Which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied, "... Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!" "What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs". The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?" Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying "O God, I'm coming!" If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her."




This girl was 12 years old and just starting puberty. Her mom thought it was time to teach her some things about sex, but wanted her husband to do it. So the girl´s dad called her for a serious talk:
"Darling, you mother said it´s time to talk about sex... Look, it´s very awkward for me to talk about this to you, so I will say only one thing: when you make love with a boy, never, NEVER do it the other way around."
So the girl grew up, started dating, got a boyfriend, made sex for the first time, second time, got married. She was married for 9 years, when, one night, her husband turned to her and said:
"Honey... how about if we make it the other way around?"
"No darling, no, I told you I would never, NEVER make it the other way around."
"But honey, don´t you wanna have kids?"




A woman gets onto a bus, pays the fare, takes her ticket and sits down. After a while there is a loud thud. The woman gets up and asks the driver what the thud was, to which the driver says 'It was nothing, I just ran over a Paki'. The the woman slightly shocked goes and sits back down. There is another loud thud, just after the woman sits down. She again asks the driver what the thud was and the drivers reply is the same 'It was nothing, I just ran over a Paki'. More than a bit concerned the woman returns to her seat. A short while later there are two loud thuds. The woman gets up from her seat and storms up to the driver and demands to know what's going on. The driver turns and says to the woman 'I had to go on the pavement to get that one'.




what did Helen Keller's parents do when she was bad?
leave the plunger in the toilet!








Whats white, round and fucks small children?
Aspirin




Whats the worst thing about fucking a seven year old?
Washing the blood off the clown suit.




A vibrator and a banana are on the bedside table.
The banana turns round and says to the vibe "don't know why you're trembling, she's going to eat me later"




6 letters - Jewish Baker?
H I T L E R




These two long-haulers are tearing along a rural stretch of motorway in an 18-wheeler lorry when one of them realizes that he shouldn't have skipped the last rest stop - he is in DIRE need of a place to stop and defecate. Unfortunately, they're running behind schedule, and it was for that very reason they didn't stop.
The afflicted passenger turns to the driver and explains the situation. The driver says: "Just roll down your window and stick your arse out."
"But there's houses out there!" the passenger complains
"You think they can see you from so far off the road? Look, we're the only ones out here, so just shit out the window and we'll keep going."
So the passenger does it, cramming his hairy arse out the window sideways in order to fit it... whilst an old couple, true to his worst fears, watches from their back porch.
"God!" says the woman. "Did you see the size of the tobacco chaw that lorry driver spat out?"
"That was nothing," says her husband. "Did you see the size of his fucking *lips?*"




A woman is standing on the harbour bridge, ready to jump and end it all. As she stands there, a man comes over and starts talking to her.
he eventually coaxes her down and tells her he can stow her away on his boat, that is going to europe. She like the idea and comes along.
He hides her on a lifeboat, for the next three months he goes there at night with a plate of food and screws the shit out of her.
One day, the captain is doing his routine inspections and finds her there. Hating the life she now has, she breaks down and tells the whole story - ending by telling him about how she's getting screwed every night.
the captain says:
"Too right you're getting screwed, this is the Manly ferry!"




what's the worst thing about having sex with a hairless pussy?
having to put the nappy back on



Q) What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
A) See you next month.



Q)what's the best part about fucking a two week year old baby?
A) deep throat from both ends.



Q)how long does it take to microwave a baby?
A)i don't know, i was too busy jerking off.


Two old ladies sitting on a bench in a park.
A guy in a mac runs up in front of them and flashes his cock at the two old dears.
One of the old ladies had a stroke.....the other one couldn't reach.




Why are lesbians so fat?
Cuz they eat out a lot and don't do dick.




Q: What do you say to an armless, legless Mike Tyson?
A: "Nigger!"




How do you get to Shepard's Bush?
Up the shepard's leg.



Following the after-show party at the music awards, Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams, Gareth Gates and Will Young are walking down the street. They've all had a few drinks and suddenly Kylie trips over and gets her head stuck in the railings.
"Wa-hey!" shouts Robbie and grabs her by the ass, pulls down her knickers and starts fucking her from behind.
"Oh Yes!" shouts Kylie, loving every bit of it.
After Robbie finishes, he shouts to Gareth, "Your turn next" so Gareth unzips his pants and says, "Oh yes K-K-Kylie you're so S-Sexy and I'm going to f-f-f-fuck you" and he does just that.
Kylie is having a whale of a time and after Gareth is done she cries out "More! I want more!"
"Come on Will," says Robbie, "Your turn next." Then he notices Will is crying. "What's the matter?" asks Robbie.
Sobbing, Will replies, &qu

Bernard Mannings back from the dead!!!



I only read the first 20 or so, might come back if I'm bored.

Longest....post.....ever....
I had to have a snack half way through, some good 'uns though.

thrashduck wrote:Bernard Mannings back from the dead!!!



I only read the first 20 or so, might come back if I'm bored.

What is black and very pissed off?

The reincarnation of Bernard Manning!