My uncle texted that one to me today. Brilliant haha.

Only if there's clowns involved.

Final_Thoughts wrote:What is the difference between acne and Micheal Jackson?
Acne doesn't "come" on your face until you are 13.

It's an old one but it tickled me!

I always preferred:

Q: What do children and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: They both love blowing bubbles.

wanna hear a joke?

glam rock

zurabmelua wrote:wanna hear a joke?

glam rock

tut

A young man called Ken wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a pair of quality, fur lined leather gloves.

His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer, but the assistant mixed up the two items, so the sister got the gloves and Ken got the knickers!

Good old Ken sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:

Dear Sasha,
I chose these because I've noticed you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.

If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to take off).

These are a very delicate shade, and the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.

I had her try yours on for me, and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.

She also said that they rub against her ring, which keeps it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow into them a little bit, because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

Love ,

Ken
P.S I thought you might like to know that my mum likes to wear hers folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over- enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next a grave that had a wreath with ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day, one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These dam girls' night out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties.
' You think that's bad' said the other husband, 'Mine is lying in bed with a card stuck in her bum that says: 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

A young fella calls directory enquiries and says,
"Hi,id like the number for jessica boffrey in manchester, please."
The operator says, "There are multiple listings for jessica boffrey in manchester. Do you have a street name?"
The fella hesitates and then says, "Well, my mates call me little jizzy. Why?"


Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one chocolate bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that chocolate isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 chocolate bars at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business.



*WOMAN'S DIARY: Saturday 21 April.*
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him- thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.
He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.
Cried myself to sleep I think.


*MAN'S DIARY: Saturday 21 April.*
United lost. Gutted. Got a shag though.





A man in a hot air balloon, realising he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted to the lady "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in IT," said the balloonist. "Actually I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fecking fault.."

Haha they are some brilliant ones Mort!

"Do you have any batteries?" a woman asks the hardware store clerk. "Yes, m'am." The clerk gestures with his finger. "Can you come this way?" "If I could come that way," the woman says, "I wouldn't need the batteries."




A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."





Mike and Maureen landed on Mars after accumulating enough Air Miles with BP, They met a Martian couple and were talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asked if Mars had a stock market, if they had laptop computers, and how they made money, Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asked Maureen.

The male Martian responded, "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensued, and finally the couples decided to swap partners for the night.

Maureen and the male Martian went off to a bedroom where the Martian stripped. Maureen was disappointed to find that he had a teeny weeny member, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," said Maureen. "Why?" he asked. "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replied, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he said, and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap, his member grew until it was impressively long.

"Well," she said, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."

"No problem," he said, and started pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grew wider and wider.

"Wow!" she exclaimed. They fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day, the couples joined their normal partners and went their separate ways.

As they walked along, Mike asked, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," said Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replied. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."





A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store. As he got to the
checkout he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked
the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't Know.


She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over
the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Checkout 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most
of us, was up for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the check out, he told the girl that he too had
forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some
brought to the check out for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She
asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One
box of medium-sized condoms, Checkout 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had
seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact
with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to
the check out he told the girl he needed some condoms. She asked him
what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants
and he did.

She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up
the intercom and said.................
"Mop and bucket to Checkout 5"!!!!!!!!!!!!!





A very inebriated man walks into a nightclub and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walks over to her, places his hand up her skirt and begins fondling her. Instantly, she jumps up and slaps him silly.
"I'm sorry," the drunk stammers. "I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole," screams the woman.
"That's funny," he mutters back. "You sound like her, too."

It posted that b@stard the curse and fanny a like feel you'll, backward message this read to have you realise you time the by.



Bert and Mable in oap home.
Bert says "Im leaving you for ivy because she holds my willy all night"
Mable says "But so do i!!". Bert says "Yes, but shes got parkinsons!!"



Man wanted a parrot so goes to the pet store to buy one. Sees a few and spots one he really likes. Buys the parrot and heads home.

Soon as the parrot is in the house, it starts using profanities.

"F*ck off you b*stard", "You're a wank*r" and other phrases.

This goes on day after day, until the man has had enough and takes the parrot back to the pet store. The owner refuses to have him back, so the parrot returns to the mans house.

One day after a lot of verbal abuse from the parrot, the man grabs it and throws it in the freezer. All he can hear is the muffled rants of the parrot as it cusses and swears constantly. Eventually the parrots goes quiet, and the man enjoys the peace. After a while longer, he feels guilty about the parrot in the freezer, and decides to go and see if it is ok.

He gently opens the freezer door and the parrot is stood there shivering. "Im sorry Mister, I'll never swear again I promise" the parrot says. The man smiles and lets him out the freezer.

"By the way" the parrot asks "what did the chicken do?"



Bloke sees an advert in the pet shop for a talking centipede for £5000. He buys it, takes it home in a small box and after about 30 minutes opens the box and asks it if it would like to go for a pint. The centipede doesnt answer. Raising his voice, the man repeats the question, still no answer. Getting angry, and thinking hes been ripped off by the pet store, he shouts the question out really loud, at which the centipede sticks his head out the box and says.......

"I heard you the first fuckin' time - I was putting my fuckin' shoes on you twat!"



A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."




Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.

"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.

"Nope."

"Is it pork?" the son Billie asked.

"Nope."

"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Billie exclaimed.

"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."

"Spit it out, Billie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"

what do you get when Lev sits in a jacuzzi?

Levington spa.

ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Good lord.

Got this one in text form off a mate yesterday:

'My wee cousin is getting to the age where she is starting to ask awkward questions about sex. Just yesterday she asked, "Why can't we tell mummy about this?"'

I laughed.

Cowert Si wrote:There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Brilliant.