RECREATE the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face.
Christian Frank, Billingham


OLD PEOPLE. Save having to get a flu jab each year by not queuing outside the Post Office every Tuesday morning in the pouring rain an hour before it opens. They won't run out of money


MOURNERS. Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone


MUMS. Confuse your children by mixing butter with their I can't Believe It's Not Butter. They won't know what to believe.


BOOKSHOP owners. Annoy Christians by putting the Bible in the 'Fiction' section of your shop where, joking aside, it actually belongs


BUS drivers. Increase the number of people who believe you when you blame traffic as an excuse for your late arrival by not stopping halfway through a route to exchange a racist joke with a passing colleague


FOOL your friends into thinking you use expensive butter by simply using cheap margerine and ripping holes in the bread.


LIGHTEN up worrying trips to the doctors by posing every question with the prefix 'Doctor, Doctor.


OLD people. Ensure a good fight at your wake by leaving a valuable antique in your will to a distant relative, whilst promising it to a closer relative verbally before you die


FOOL everyone into thinking you have just eaten an apple by rubbing your tummy and saying loudly "Mmm! That was a lovely apple."


WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.



DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way



RECREATE the smell of farts by opening a pack of Iceland's diced chicken.


love it

Jemegadeth wrote:FOOL everyone into thinking you have just eaten an apple by rubbing your tummy and saying loudly "Mmm! That was a lovely apple."

BWAHAHAHA!

Dog owners, dont waste time cleaning up after your dog has shat on the pavement. I'll do it myself with my bare hands while im picking up my hedge clippings you selfish lazy bastards!!!

Office managers. Dont no who to sack when you need to reduce staff levels? Well have a game of musical chairs. the loser gets the sack and has already had their leaving party.

Fool passers by into thinking you own a bird of prey by walking down the street wearing a leather gauntlet and holding a piece of raw meat whilst constantly looking up into the sky.

Astronomers, popadoms make excellent relief maps of the moon.

Jemegadeth wrote:RECREATE the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face.

I must admit I've done this...but without the fan blowing full in my face.

Female thrash fans, try to fool everybody that you dont really have a secret and unyeilding crush on martin from heretic by using the word freakin in thread titles rather than the rather course swearing alternative.

Immortalicide wrote:Female thrash fans, try to fool everybody that you dont really have a secret and unyeilding crush on martin from heretic by using the word freakin in thread titles rather than the rather course swearing alternative.

ahhh balderdash, you got me

I belieeeeve when I fall in loooove with you, it will be foreeeever.

The apple one made me lmao.

Immortalicide wrote:Dog owners, dont waste time cleaning up after your dog has shat on the pavement. I'll do it myself with my bare hands while im picking up my hedge clippings you selfish lazy bastards!!!

Jemegadeth wrote:WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.

Hahaha.

Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Drill a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Darkweasel wrote:Drill a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

hahahahaha!

Darkweasel wrote:Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

That's genius! I'm using that one

Darkweasel wrote:Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

hahaha!!!! thats ace

BONO. Take the piss by spending thousands of pounds on pink tinted sunglasses then ask the working class to give to charity.

HOSPITAL patients. Arrive for your appointment two hours after the assigned arrival time. That way, you will only have to wait an hour for your doctor to see you.

CONVINCE your friends that you play the trombone by standing behind a screen and farting into a watering can.

CONVINCE bar staff that your pint is off by sticking your finger up your arse before holding the glass close to their nose.

Shoe bombers. Increase your payload by becoming a clown.