fucked up

ribbons69 wrote:Guy goes to the chemist
"I need some condoms for my 11 year old daughter"
The Chemist is shocked
"Your daughter is sexually active at 11? "
Man replies
"No,she just lies there like her mother"



What's black and blue and terrified of rape?
The eight year old in my cellar.

They were brilliant. I am pissi myself as I write this

STD_Caps wrote:

ribbons69 wrote:Guy goes to the chemist
"I need some condoms for my 11 year old daughter"
The Chemist is shocked
"Your daughter is sexually active at 11? "
Man replies
"No,she just lies there like her mother"



What's black and blue and terrified of rape?
The eight year old in my cellar.

They were brilliant. I am pissi myself as I write this

Thats quite a disturbing thought.

A woman is doing a survey for a mens magazine in the high street,asking men about their masturbation habits.She stops three blokes and asks them the same question;
"Do you hold anything in your free hand while you're masturbating?"
First chap "yes,I hold the remote control,I'm usually watching a Dvd"
Second chap "I hold a dirty magazine to get me excited"
Third chap "I'm usually holding a bar of soap"
This surprises the woman
"That's unusual,why do you hold a bar of soap when you're masturbaiting"
The man replies
"Because I'm bathing the kids"

paedo jokes ftw!

"Doctor,Doctor,I keep imagining that I'm a pair of curtains"

"That's the least of your worries,you've got AIDS"

What's green and has twelve breasts?












A garbage disposal bag at a breast cancer clinic.

• Whats the different between Maddie and a Boomerang? Boomerangs come back

• Knock Knock... Who's There? Not Maddie.

• What have Maddie and Houdini got in common? … They both disappear and they're both dead.

• What do you call that little girl who's gone missing in Portugal? … Dead

• What's tanned and really, really happy? A Portuguese Pædophile.

• How much does a meal at your favourite Portugese tapas restaraunt cost? … Your child

• Whats the difference between Matilda and Maddie? … Matilda can make things move, Maddie just disappears

• How many Portugese does it take to change a light bulb? ......... Three. One to force the window, one to snatch the child and one to turn up at a petrol station three days later.

• Portugese police apologised to their nation for not acting sooner. They just wish they'd got their grubby Porto hands on Maddy first.

• The Portugese took a break from sneaking into other countries recently... they realised they can stay at home and get all the foreign children they need locally.

• Why did the Portugese cross the road? .... To molest a child.

• Ronaldo, as a typical Portugese male, insists that he had an alibi

• What's the difference between Brighton and Praia da Luz? ........ Brighton is full of gay men, and perhaps your wind break blows away. Praia da Luz is full of child molesters, and you can be sure to lose your daughter.


Q) What do I do to babies?

A) I hold them by the head then piss on their face and in their eyes so my piss blinds them then they scream horrifically so I get a baseball bat and maul the baby to death then I fuck it's corpse and later throw it in a ditch.

I thank sikipedia.org for all of these.

STD_Caps wrote:
• Knock Knock... Who's There? Not Maddie.

• What have Maddie and Houdini got in common? … They both disappear and they're both dead.

STD_Caps wrote:• How much does a meal at your favourite Portugese tapas restaraunt cost? … Your child

My claps go to this one.



To raise the tone, I'll post some choice Tommy Cooper lines. I love this manL

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephant.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

I went into this pub, and I ate a ploughman's lunch. He was livid

What have Maddie and Houdini got in common? … They both disappear and they're both dead.

What do you call that little girl who's gone missing in Portugal? … Dead

I'm honestly almost crying with laughter.

Martin has been appeased, the volcano will spare us.

Wearing a yellow ribbon isn't going to find Maddie.How about a yellow shovel,yellow scubagear or a yellow bloodhound.

Metalbrew Stu wrote:some choice Tommy Cooper lines. I love this manL

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephant.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

I went into this pub, and I ate a ploughman's lunch. He was livid

Tommy Cooper was a real genius. I remeber seeing him have his heart attack live on telly tho

That must have been terrible, because i bet loads of people thought it was just a joke on the plus side though, those tommy cooper jokes were awesome! Not even offensive and still awesome!